Gary Payton II needs his own nickname
His father was known as The Glove, but Gary Payton II has stepped into his own light. Now the Warriors' unsung hero needs a nickname.
Gary Payton II is balling with the Warriors this year. Do you want to know why they didn’t feel the need to snap up young (okay, actually somewhat old) Davion Mitchell in the draft? Because they knew were sitting on both the literal and spiritual successor to his fathers’ brand of zip-lock sealed, no-leaks defense.
Payton’s disruptive defense is even more valuable considering Steph Curry isn’t known as a lockdown defender, and the Warriors have often deployed Klay Thompson on the opposing team’s most threatening lead guard. With Thompson yet to return from two devastating lower-leg injuries, it’s unclear how much of his defensive acumen he will regain. Particularly in the modern NBA, having a defensive curveball to throw at the Damian Lillard’s and LaMelo Ball’s of the world certainly doesn’t hurt. Take a quick look at some of his recent work against the Hornets for proof of concept.
Potentially more enjoyable has been Payton’s work as a lob threat. Despite his Steph Curry size (6’3”), the second Payton provides a JaVale McGee-like vertical floor spacer. The Warriors have already slotted Gary into designed actions to spring him for lobs. And there is now legitimate anticipation when Payton is running on the wing in transition. This is really fun stuff, take a look.
Here’s to hoping that this burgeoning folk hero has found a home in the Bay Area. His style of play is just the sort of sauce you need on your burger. But, he does still need a nickname. Really, he probably has one. It’s probably Young Glove — or something glove-related — and that’s fine. Paying homage to your pops is cool. And really, you can’t force a nickname. The best ones happen organically. But, I’m going to throw a few into the wind, just for fun, and see what happens.
Young Glove — It’s fine. It really is. It’s hard to argue with the man’s personal preference. And it’s a nice homage to his father. It’s not original, and that’s OK. It’s part of a tradition! The words can blend together a bit and sound sort of like “young love” if you’re not careful.
Gary MotherGlovin’ Payton — It’s a bit of a mouthful, and not really a true nickname, just something an announcer could yell during one of his highlights that wouldn’t get him fined or fired.
Power Glove — The goal here is to try to fuse Gary’s defensive prowess with those ridiculous hammer dunks he throws down. And really, that’s the only thing Power Glove has going for it. Just like the real Power Glove, this name sucks.
McGlovin’ — Why not tap into the cult hero ethos of the unexpected authority befriending/subverting character from Superbad? McLovin’ stole the show. Everybody loves him. Maybe we can get Bill Hader and Seth Rogen courtside seats for a playoff game to lean into the bit.
Deuce — He’s not Gary Payton Jr, he’s got that “II” behind the name. Possible call during the game, “Steph Curry throws it up, oh and Kelly Oubre gets a Deuce dropped on him.”
The Mitten — I don’t like The Mitten. It’s too warm and soft and cuddly sounding. I know there are certain sections of the Warriors fanbase clamoring for The Mitten, but The Mitten sucks. The Mitten, if anything, is the anti-glove. You don’t have the dexterity to do anything fine-tuned in mittens. They tend to be loose and baggy and not nearly so snug and form-fitting. The phrase is, “fits like a glove.”
Gary the Apothocary — This attempt digs into some decidedly old-school verbiage. Granted, it isn’t likely that a nickname you need to google will catch on, but I like it. It rhymes. Possible calls, “Gary busts out the ether and puts James Harden to sleep!” How about, “You don’t try Gary the Apothocary, he will poison you.” You’re right, this one sucks.
Black Lightning — Really the question is whether or not the Black Lightning nickname can go to a bit player like Payton, because I love this nickname. Sounds cool? Check. Doubles as a superhero name? Indeed. And not just any superhero, but a comparatively fringe cult hero who spurned the mainstream Justice League and was a founding member of The Outsiders. Plus, the character worked his way into this classic, old-school Chappelle bit. It fits both his offensive and defensive explosiveness. And it lends itself to easy calls, like, “Black Lightning strikes again!”
Kasparov — Stay with me. First, I know Garry Kasparov uses the extra “r” in his name, but it’s close enough. Second, I get that it’s insulting to one of the greatest Chess players of all time to use his name as a nickname for the fringe role player on an NBA team. Instead, think of it more as a great honor to Payton II, whose defense is based on a deep, studied, positional understanding of the game. And when his defense stymies an opponent, he transitions into bold, creative, attacking offense. That’s Kasparov, my friends.
Alcatraz — This is it. This is the one. It’s a legendary, inescapable prison surrounded by sharks. Sounds cool? Yup. Fast and easy to say? For sure. Nod to Bay Area history? Yes. Badass? Absolutely. Nobody escapes Alcatraz. Or maybe you do, but you’re never heard from again. Yes, it leans decidedly towards the defensive side, what with it being a prison and all. It’s a prison surrounded by sharks! That’s pretty fitting. Plus, Klay could take Payton there on his boat, do a little documentary. Oh man.
Who am I kidding, it’s going to be Young Glove or The Mitten. Oh well. I’m fine living on Alcatraz alone. Seems like my style anyway.