"I'm trying, Jennifer"
CJ McCollum settled his beef with the Warriors fan who told him to "Win a playoff game then talk." Are there any other Jennifers that might strike up an issue with him?
In 2018, CJ McCollum etched his name into NBA meme lore with one tweet.
These three words came at McCollum’s lowest. Jennifer Williams, the woman he responded to, was just trying to protect her Warriors from another sneak diss. CJ just wanted to let her know he was trying.
After all, CJ had every right to be pissed. His Blazers had been swept in the first round of the playoffs by the Pelicans — the second time in three months that a great team was upset in the playoffs by birds. Meanwhile, the intergalactically dominant Warriors had cruised to back-to-back titles with snake/human animorph Kevin Durant in the fold.
The tweet got some laughs. McCollum was pestered with questions about Jennifer after his next playoff win, and even got to meet Jennifer before being swept in the 2019 Western Conference Finals by — you guessed it — the Warriors. When it’s time for CJ to get back on the court, he daps up Jennifer and the ESPN crew. It’s a swift resolution to an online back-and-forth from eight months prior.
He seems like an awesome guy. Non-confrontational. Willing to settle the score. But a few years later, I’m left wondering…
Is there a Jennifer that CJ wouldn’t be able to get along with?
Let’s set the scene for a few feuds between CJ McCollum and some higher-profile Jennifers.
Jennifer Lawrence
During his junior season at Lehigh, CJ McCollum begins his acting career and lands a role in the 2012 film Hunger Games. During the process, he beats out Josh Hutcherson for the role of Peeta Mellark. Jennifer Lawrence is already attached to the movie as Katniss Everdeen, the lead role.
Movies typically film out of order. On the first day of production, McCollum and Lawrence are set to film one of the final scenes in the movie. Woody Harrelson (cast to play Haymitch Abernathy) walks by McCollum on the way to the set.
“Yo, aren’t you the dude from White Men Can’t Jump?” CJ asks.
Harrelson nods.
“Your hair…” CJ starts to ask him about his hairstyle. It’s really bad.
“Yeah, I know, it looks dumb. My nieces like the books, so when my agent brought it up…”
McCollum zones out. He can’t stop looking at his hair. He also skipped breakfast, so he’s really hungry and has a hard time focusing. An hour later, they film the scene in which Peeta and Katniss attempt to commit suicide by eating nightlock berries — which are actually just blueberries.
As they’re filming, McCollum just starts eating the berries mid-scene. The director yells “Cut!”
“What are you doing?” Lawrence asks him.
“Yeah, so I skipped breakfast, and these aren’t actually nightlock berries — they’re just blueberries.” He’s right.
“Well, can you stop eating them?” Lawrence asks again.
“Oh I’m trying, Jennifer, they’re just really frickin’ good.”
Worried about what McCollum might do next, the directors call it a day and eat the money they paid him for the role of Peeta. Josh Hutcherson happily takes the role.
Jennifer Garner
After his flameout on Hunger Games, McCollum auditions for the 2014 film Draft Day and is somehow immediately named the lead. He beat Kevin Costner out for the role of Sonny Weaver Jr., the GM of the lowly Cleveland Browns. Jennifer Garner is cast opposite McCollum as Ali Parker, his love interest who works in the team’s financial department.
On set, McCollum is about to film one of the movie’s opening scenes in which Weaver walks into the war room after trading for the no. 1 pick. Wisconsin QB Bo Callahan has widely been regarded as the top prospect in the draft, and his trade puts them in prime position to draft him.
The stage manager makes sure everyone’s ready, and the director calls “Action!”
“I just made a trade with the Seahawks,” McCollum says as Sonny Weaver.
“For?” a staffer replies.
“The number one pick,” Weaver replies.
All of the actors on the set go ballistic. Great job by them. It’s really believable.
“You got us Bo Callahan?” another staffer asks.
“Certainly appears that way. Jennifer, you here?”
The director yells “CUT!” The line is obviously, “Ali, you here?” but CJ hasn’t remembered the characters’ names yet.
They try it a few more times. McCollum keeps reading the line wrong. The director calls for a five minute break. Jennifer Garner comes over to CJ to try and figure it out.
“From now on, I am not Jennifer. My name is Ali. You can call me Ali for the rest of our lives if you want, okay? We cannot keep messing this up. We have ten more scenes to film today.”
“I’m trying, Jennifer!” McCollum responds.
The production company eats the money they paid McCollum in advance and hands it to Kevin Costner.
Jennifer Lopez
In the days leading up to Super Bowl LIV, CJ McCollum enlists himself as a backup dancer for the halftime show starring Jennifer Lopez and Shakira. He’s hard at work every day, learning the moves, the songs and timing, and giving it his best.
There’s one problem:
He isn’t getting a proper warmup.
In the NBA, there’s a whole team designed to work with CJ at every step of game day to ensure his peak performance. There’s meals for him. Specific stretches he has to do. Weight training. Those elastic band things that they do with their legs and shit. Shooting workouts. Film and scout sessions. By game time, he’s completely loose and ready to play NBA basketball.
On the day of the Super Bowl, CJ runs into Jennifer Lopez at breakfast prior to the last rehearsal, and lets her know his concerns.
“Hey, while I have you here, you know that section during Jenny From The Block where we walk out onto the platform and do that dance where we lean back and swing our arms like we’re in a wheelchair?”
“Yeah, I choreo’d the whole thing, man,” Lopez responds.
“My hip flexors get real tight waiting underneath the stage for so long beforehand during Shakira’s performance, and I can’t really bend that way when we—”
“Stand up and do the dance right now.”
“What?”
“Stand up, and do the dance.”
CJ stands up and starts doing the dance in the middle of breakfast. It looks more like the Cat Daddy than how she wanted.
“Why are you bending like that? Have you been to any rehearsals? Why are you doing the Cat Daddy?”
Jennifer Lopez continues to berate CJ in front of the whole cafeteria. He’s almost in tears by the time she’s done telling him he’s the worst dancer that’s ever been on her set. She tells him to do it again. It’s still awful.
“I’m trying, Jennifer,” McCollum says through his teeth.
CJ gets kicked off set and returns to the Blazers lineup the next day, and never speaks about it again.
Maybe it’s unrealistic to expect CJ McCollum to get into it with anyone named Jennifer. There’s still Hudson, Aniston, and Granholm he could upset — but he just comes off as such a calm dude that I think he’s in the clear.
But if your name is Alex… watch out.
On a night that the two best teams in the nba play, Giannis takes a portion of the scoring lead, and the Lakers lose to HOUSTON (haha!!!) you give me : CJ McCollum arguing with a random Twitter chick named Jen, three years ago. Wow! It used to be so good too!
Garbage.