Is LeBron James a time traveler?
Given the uncertainty of the multiverse and our overall lack of clarity about the fundamental basis of reality, it shouldn’t be all that surprising that LeBron James recently came to watch himself play basketball.
Yes, I know, people reported that it was “actually” some designer named “Patrick Christopher” but we all know that Dave McMenamin is in on the take. Come on, Dave, what’s more likely, that another strong, good-looking man with scary resemblance to LeBron James just happened to come watch this lousy game against the Rockets? Or, that LeBron James, famous proponent of hyperbaric chambers and cryotherapy and various other forms of Big Tech, has found a way to travel through time.
Either that or he’s cloned himself, which would actually explain quite a bit. Maybe we’re on LeBron no. 3, which explains why he can play for so long and still be so dominant.
But I’m going with time travel because we all know LeBron has a penchant for traveling. I’m going to investigate the reasons why LeBron is traveling back in time to watch himself play a meaningless game on Halloween in 2021. First, everyone knows how dangerous it is to travel back in time — it’s the first thing that gets mentioned in any time travel movie! The chance of encountering yourself in the past has the potential to alter the fabric of reality as we know it! What could be so important that Future LeBron would travel back to see late-phase LeBron play a game? Here are the possibilities:
He came back to change something about to imminently occur
It’s the classic bit, something awful happened in the past and you travel back in time to stop it from happening. Maybe we’re weeks away from a typically errant Westbrook jumper careening off the backboard with unusual violence, catching LeBron unaware, and knocking out most of his teeth and some of his hair plugs. Maybe the weight of carrying this Laker team is truly too much and LeBron sustains a more serious lower leg injury that forever alters his career, never allowing him to return to this high level of play again. Maybe there’s a scandal brewing at Blaze Pizza and LeBron’s shares are about to lose significant value. Maybe there’s a street taco place that LeBron just loves — but should definitely avoid for the next week. Old LeBron has a vested interest in helping himself avoid any and all perilous future outcomes, and he’s traveled back at just the right moment to intervene.
He just wanted to show himself his new hat
Is it a frivolous use of time travel to simply go back and show off your wardrobe? Sure. In this configuration, Future LeBron is very bored. Present LeBron should also be encouraged that future LeBron is in pretty good shape, and can still afford courtside Lakers seats.
This was the last, best basketball of LeBron’s career
Maybe he came back just to enjoy the end of the ride. People have been wondering for years when age is finally going to catch up to LeBron. Could this be it? Old LeBron just wanted to watch somewhat-less-old LeBron as the sun sets on his athletic dominance. He wanted to watch himself outrun a 19 year-old for a reverse dunk when he is nearly twice his age. Maybe he knows you can’t alter the past — but so what? Who wouldn’t want to go back and re-live some of their most glorious moments? And if that’s the case, I’d be going back to 2016.
He came back to warn himself about something in the future
This is a little dicier, but the general idea is this: you plant the seed now to avoid potential trouble a little farther down the road. Maybe LeBron outrunning Jalen Green and stuffing a reverse motivates the kid to lock himself in a cold industrial space with only a basketball hoop and water. Maybe Green puts pictures of LeBron James all over the walls and becomes serial-killer obsessed with destroying everything that LeBron loves. Maybe three years from now Jalen Green eviscerates Bronny James every time they meet that by the eighth straight destruction, Bronny’s psyche can’t recover and he ends up washing out the league. Maybe Future LeBron came back to warn Present LeBron to maybe dap Jalen up a bit, give him a little love and go out of his way to preserve the peace.
He just really wanted to watch a classic Carmelo-has-it-going game
Isn’t this the version of Melo everyone has wanted to see? A gunner without conscience, provided ample space and a blank canvas to blast away with Jackson Pollock-like creative disregard? This brings us to another very real possibility…
Maybe this isn’t the first time LeBron has time-traveled
This is the first time that we know LeBron time-traveled, but if LeBron has cracked time-traveling, maybe this explains how he knew where to find “Lost-at-Sea-Melo,” or how he could help manufacture the interesting “Kobe-number coincidences.” Although, this makes you wonder why he wouldn’t go back and fix The Decision (by at least being more tactful), or go back and fix all of his Finals losses. But maybe he’s inexorably linked to another point in reality that doesn’t allow him to make such modifications…
Maybe the game wasn’t meaningless
This is the butterfly-effect theory, where something seemingly inconsequential alters the course of world history. You may laugh at the awkward scene of Bazemore completely beefing the reverse and getting owned by the rim — but had he made that shot, global emissions would rise to record highs, the “My PIllow” guy gets elected president in 2028 (following his vice-presidency after Trump wins in 2024), and there’s a newer, darker, more pervasive form of Twitter microchipped into each of us. We’re living in a dystopian hellscape serving our robotic overlords by 2036 if Baze makes that shot.
Thanks to LeBron’s intervention, we’ve got at least until 2040. At that time, there will be no such thing as private bathrooms, just a big public room in any town with more than 300 people where everyone has to come in and bathe and shit, in a big assembly line, on a timed schedule, with an assigned “bathing-buddy.” This will be sold to us as a great convenience, under the guise of efficiency and public health. But by then, Bronny James will be time-traveling and he’ll be able to save us from the Bernie Sanders-like animatronic bathroom assistants that will be assigned to wash and wipe us while offering uncomfortable small talk with weirdly personal direct eye contact.
“Would you prefer a more aggressive wipe, Mr. Jones?” says the Bernie-bot while I try to discreetly wipe my tears.
Have I been watching too much Black Mirror? Time to get some coffee. And re-read 1984.
i cant believe this