Just imagine how Steve Ballmer will act when he owns the place
The Clippers have been the NBA’s version of a 43 year-old living in their parent’s basement. They’ve been the down-on-his-luck roommate sharing space with their more successful cousin by sharing Staples Center with the Lakers since 1999. But no more! After years in the courts and lots of time and money, the Clippers are finally getting a place of their own. The Lakers don’t even own their own place! They’ll still be renting! And the early look at the new place shows a very fine and fancy land.
None of this happens without Steve Ballmer. Say what you will about the Clips lead governor (and former Microsoft CEO), but he is a man with some vision. Not only did he purchase one of the most historically maligned franchises in the NBA, but he has turned them into viable contenders and a respectable organization.
And in honor of Ballmer adopting the bastard stepchild of Los Angeles and giving them an identity of their own, we’re going to run through some of the very finest bits of Steve Ballmer — the King of the Dancing Nerds — and the man who started to change things for LA’s other basketball team.
Do you know what you need from a leader? You need passion. You need the type of fearless enthusiasm that will carry you through the inevitable dark times that any business will face. You need a man with a wild and unreasonable level of disregard for public appearances and propriety. You need a man whose brain apparently never developed the neural wiring necessary for embarrassment or restraint. You need a man to get on his feet. And make it happen.
Do you know what you need when you’re competing against a legendary monolith like the Lakers in free agency? You need someone who cares. You need someone ready to fight. The Lakers have always drawn all the A-list attention and leave you with the NBA version of Dustin Diamond — are you gonna take that lying down? Do you think you land Kawhi Leonard and Paul George without some panache? You need someone who has stared down giant corporations without flinching. You need a chair-throwing, profanity-dropping man of vigor who refuses to lose any talent without a fight. When you’re going against the Lakers, you need someone who will degenerate Google’s former CEO and threaten to bury both him and his company.
You need a man who understands the passionate fan experience. You need a man who has all the moves. You need a man who cares and isn’t afraid to show it.
You need a man who is going to build an arena that appeals to fans of every stripe. A leader who’s going to give everyone more legroom than they need, one who makes sure there’s not a bad seat in the house — except for those plebes in the standing room only section, who by definition have no seat, but — when activated — are the acoustic fodder ready to be leveled at the opposing team.
Do you know who you need when you’re planning a new arena with state-of-the-art, Big Tech powered gizmos that minimize the need to interact with those other pesky humans? You need software programmers, engineers, and technological innovators. You need the man with the Microsoft pedigree — an old, rich, chubby, balding man.
You need a man who will prance around and clap, all while being insanely sweaty. You need the man who sweats so much that you think maybe he should see a doctor. When you watch him you can’t believe how much he’s sweating and you wonder things like, “How the hell are his elbow-pits that sweaty?” and, “Is he sweating so much because he just found out that there’s a global shortage of doughnuts and pie?”
But you need a man who can push past all of this and more in order to realize his technotopian architectural vision. You need the man who can deliver the most talented developers (developers, developers…)
You can laugh at Steve’s over the top reactions and find fault with some of his methods, but a lot of teams are jealous that the Clippers have such a personal, hands-on leader at the helm.
